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Being an Ally in the Wake of Orlando

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Being a good ally is challenging. Here are some thoughts on how to do it better.

For me, the word “ally” is sacred. 

An ally, to me, is someone I can trust and turn to when I need help. It’s someone who’s not like me, but who “gets” me. Someone who does their best to understand, learn, and act.

There’s been a lot of talk this week about who is an ally and how to be an ally, especially on social media. But the thing is, there’s good action and there’s bad action, and this week, some folks have had a really hard time figuring out the difference between the two. 

Here are some tips I’ve got based on the social media interactions I’ve had recently: 

  • Don’t go to gay bars just to “show solidarity.” 

I know that in the wake of Orlando people all across the country are looking for ways to be supportive. For many, that seems to mean invading our sacred spaces. I can’t believe I have to say it, but, don’t do this. You’ve seen article after article describing how gay bars are our places of refuge, our sanctuaries, and some of the only places many of us felt like we were “home.” Please, let us have them to ourselves. If you’re invited to go to a gay bar with a queer friend, go and enjoy, but remember, this place isn’t for you, and you’re a guest. Be respectful. 

  • Don’t be self-congratulatory just for doing the right thing.

Being an ally is awesome, it really is, so let your work speak for itself. if you’re doing it truly selflessly and because you believe in the cause, you’ll get noticed, I promise. We still live in a world where being an ally isn’t the default. We notice when straight people are stepping up for us. There’s no need write an article or op/ed to tell the world just how fantastic you are becuase you’re treating a marginalized group with respect. Think of “ally” like a college nickname. You can’t declare it for yourself. You have to earn it through action. 

  • Listen to your LGBTQ family and friends. Seriously, listen.

The number of people who’ve told me this week that I’m wrong about how to be an ally to my own community is astounding. LGBTQ people aren’t shy about telling you what we need. Seriously, we’re not afraid to let everyone know what we want. Listen to us, and then act on that. If you’re not ready to put aside your own desires, you’re probably not ready to be an ally.

  • Ask good questions and respect our answers.

If you want to be there for LGBTQ people but you’re not sure what the best way for you to do that is, ask. Say: “I want to be there for you the best way I can, but I’m not sure what you need right now. What would you like from me?” From there, do what’s needed. It’s not glamorous to be the person who brings over a pint of ice cream and a bag of chips to a friend in need, but at that moment, it might be exactly the right thing to do. Every situation is different, but being a person we can count on and trust is universal.

  • Look inward, both personally and communally.

In my book, an ally looks inward – both at themselves and at their own communities. They are reflective and pensive and make changes internally. An ally’s job is to speak to the people who are like them. If you’re an active member of your church and you want to be an ally to LGBTQ people, start by looking at what systems of oppression your church is complicit in and work to take those down. Listen to the language your pastors and congregants use – is it inclusive or exclusive? Challenge the people who are like yourself before going out into the broader community.  

And if you’ve got a past full of anti-LGBTQ work and action? Before you can even think of becoming an ally you’ll have to overcome all of the damage you’ve done. Apologizing is just the first step. You’ll also need to actively work to reverse the policies and climate you’ve helped create.

  • Don’t confuse being a decent person with being an ally. 

Many people have said to me, “I can disagree with someone’s lifestyle and still respect them and not want to see them suffer from violence.” Yes, you can. And I would hope you wouldn’t want to see anyone suffer from violence, but that doesn’t make you an ally. That just makes you a decent person. A decent person values tolerance. An ally values affirmation and celebration. 

 (Also, you’re gross for continuing to use the word “lifestyle” when it’s not 1998.)

A decent person says, “I’m going to be nice to you even when the system says I shouldn’t,” while an ally says, “I’m going to help you change the system.”

  • When you’re called out, accept the criticism and change your behavior. 

If someone says to you, “I know that you’re trying to help, but what you’re doing actually hurts me,” don’t argue. If you’re not sure why, ask and listen to what they say. Too many times this week people have argued back when their so-called allyship was challenged. If you want to be an ally to a certain community, you must accept that community’s criticisms and take them seriously.

  •  Don’t threaten to revoke your allyship if you get called out.

More than a few times this week someone has said to me, “Good luck getting more allies with that attitude!” or “You better be nice to me – you NEED us!” In short? No. No we don’t. If your allyship is contingent on one person being nice you to you, you’re not really an ally. If your feelings are more important than the safety of the group you’re trying to help? Not even a little bit of an ally. 

Look, I get it. Being an ally is hard, it is. It’s hard to speak up for someone else when you have everything you need. It’s hard to put yourself into harm’s way when you could just as easily roll over and go back to sleep, safe and sound.  But that’s what allies do – they put themselves into challenging situations so that LGBTQ people don’t have to. They make themselves uncomfortable in order to make others comfortable. You’re probably not going to get kicked out of your house or fired for speaking up. We very well might be. 

Being an ally can be a thankless job – no one does it for the fame. But the great thing is? When it’s done right? We all get to enjoy the better world we’ve created, together.

 

Robbie Medwed is an Atlanta-based LGBTQ activist and educator. His column appears here weekly. Follow him on Twitter: @rjmedwed.

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LOL

MTG Claims Biden Is ‘Starting a Nuclear War’ Over Debunked Claim of Giving Nukes Back to Ukraine

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Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) accused President Joe Biden of leading Ukraine into a nuclear war by giving weapons to Ukraine following a brief reference in a New York Times article. The nukes in question, however, are not in the United States.

Greene shared a post by independent journalist Kyle Becker on X (formerly Twitter) Tuesday morning. Becker’s original post claimed that Biden’s government is “considering the return of Nuclear Weapons to Ukraine.” The weapons in question were taken from Ukraine following the fall of the Soviet Union.

“Outgoing administration officials (the admin that massively lost the popular vote and electoral college) should be arrested if they give nuclear weapons to Ukraine. Starting a nuclear war on your way out is treason. The American people do NOT want anything to do with this!!!” Greene tweeted.

The claim originates from a New York Times article published Thursday, called “Trump’s Vow to End the War Could Leave Ukraine With Few Options.” That article read, in part:

“Several officials even suggested that Mr. Biden could return nuclear weapons to Ukraine that were taken from it after the fall of the Soviet Union. That would be an instant and enormous deterrent. But such a step would be complicated and have serious implications.”

READ MORE: Top Military Advisor Secretly Had Defense Officials Take an Oath Blocking Trump From Launching Nuclear War Without His OK

The Kyiv Post points out that though many nuclear weapons were indeed surrendered by Ukraine following the collapse of the USSR, the nuclear weapons did not go to the United States. They were returned to Russia during the 1990s. In return, Russia gave Ukraine 100 tons of reactor fuels and Ukraine received safety guarantees from Russia, the U.S. and the U.K.

Ukraine’s official website says prior to surrendering the nuclear weapons, they had over 4,000 nuclear warheads, plus 176 intercontinental ballistic missiles and 103 strategic bombers. Since the return of these weapons to Russia in 1996, Ukraine does not have any nuclear weapons, according to the country’s official website and The Independent.

Putin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov condemned the suggestion that the U.S. could return these nuclear weapons to Ukraine, according to Turkish newspaper Anadolu Ajansi.

“This is absolutely irresponsible reasoning from people who probably have a poor understanding and imagination of reality,” Peskov said.

The spectre of nuclear war has come up again since November 19, when Russian President Vladimir Putin made changes to rules regarding when Russia could launch a nuclear attack, according to Reuters. Two days earlier, Biden allowed Ukraine to use U.S.-made non-nuclear weapons to conduct long-range attacks into Russia, Reuters reported.

Image via Shutterstock

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BIGOTRY

Missouri Court Upholds Trans Care Ban, Citing Duty to ‘Protect Integrity of Medical Profession’

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Missouri trans ban

A Missouri court upheld a ban on gender affirming care for minors, citing ethical concerns.

Judge R. Craig Carter filed his ruling Monday in the case Noe v. Parson, deciding that the state’s ban on providing gender affirming care for minors did not run afoul of the constitution. The case was brought by several trans teens and their families, and filed by Lambda Legal, the ACLU of Missouri and Bryan Cave Leighton Paisner LLP.

The law bans all care, including puberty blockers, hormones and surgery for people under 18. Minors who obtained this sort of care prior to August 28, 2023 are protected, and the law is set to expire on the same day in 2027.

The Missouri court ruled that it was “required to deny the plaintiff’s prayers for relief.”

READ MORE: Lone Dissenter Calls Texas Supreme Court Transgender Ruling ‘Cruel, Unconstitutional’

“This Court finds an almost total lack of consensus as to the medical ethics of adolescent gender dysphoria treatment. The evidence at trial showed severe disagreement as to whether adolescent gender dysphoria drug and surgical treatment was ethical at all, and if so, what amount of treatment was ethically allowable. States do have an abiding interest in protecting the integrity and ethics of the medical profession,” Carter wrote.

Carter ruled that since gender dysphoria is a mental disorder, and mental disorders are generally treated “by actually treating the mental aspect, like prescribing Zoloft to treat depression,” care that affects the body is not in line with “western medicine.”

“However, the gender dysphoria treatment prohibited by Missouri uses drugs and surgeries to either inhibit normal healthy human growth or surgically remove and replace healthy human organs. Such an approach to treatment is well outside normal medicine, and medical ethicists are unable to agree on the propriety thereof,” he wrote.

Carter also questioned “why the number of individuals with gender dysphoria has skyrocketed over the last decade,” parroting claims from anti-transgender advocates that it’s a “fad.” However, a 2022 study published by the medical journal Pediatrics debunked the claims of “social contagion” increasing the number of trans youth. The theory was initially posed by Dr. Lisa Littman in 2018, who wrote a paper describing “rapid onset gender dysphoria.” Littman’s paper was published by the journal PLOS One, who later issued a correction, pointing out that she did not actually speak to trans teens, but their parents.

Gender affirming care for minors typically involves prescribing puberty blockers, which delay the onset of puberty. Prior to puberty, care is generally limited to social changes—like wearing clothes or pronouns that align with the gender the child identifies as, according to Advocates for Trans Equality. Hormone replacement therapy in minors is exceedingly rare, and surgery is even more so.

Though Carter wrote in his ruling that “the potential harms from these interventions are serious,” puberty blockers are fully reversible. Not only that, but a study published in The Lancet found that 98% of those on puberty blockers went on hormone replacement therapy upon turning 18. But should a teen realize they aren’t trans, all they need to do is stop taking the blockers, and their body will go through puberty as normal. Puberty blockers have been used for years and are safe,  according to Cedars-Sinai, and are most commonly used to stop precocious puberty, a condition affecting 1 in 5,000 children—including some as young as 6.

Lambda Legal has vowed to appeal the Missouri court’s ruling.

“We are extremely disappointed in this decision, but this is not the end of the fight and we will appeal. However, the court’s findings signal a troubling acceptance of discrimination, ignore an extensive trial record and the voices of transgender Missourians and those who care for them, and deny transgender adolescents and Medicaid beneficiaries from their right to access to evidence-based, effective, and often life-saving medical care,” Lambda Legal and the ACLU of Missouri said in a joint statement.

Image by Ted Eytan via Wikimedia Commons

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politics

Ontario Premier Doug Ford Wants Stricter Border Control with U.S.: ‘The Threat Is Serious’

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Doug Ford

Conservative Ontario Premier Doug Ford urged additional funding to the Canada Border Services Agency to lock down the U.S.’ northern border.

Ford addressed the media Tuesday at Queen’s Park in Toronto about President Donald Trump’s proposed 25% tariff on Canadian goods, according to the CBC. He called the tariff plan “the biggest threat we’ve ever seen,” comparing it to “a family member stabbing you right in the heart.”

Since Trump proposed the tariff, the Canadian dollar fell to the lowest level since 2020, according to the Toronto Star.

READ MORE: Rather Than Pay News Orgs, Facebook Bans Article Sharing in Canada

Trump posted about his plan Monday evening on Truth Social.

“As everyone is aware, thousands of people are pouring through Mexico and Canada, bringing Crime and Drugs at levels never seen before,” Trump wrote in part. “Both Mexico and Canada have the absolute right and power to easily solve this long simmering problem. We hereby demand that they use this power, and until such time that they do, it is time for them to pay a very big price!”

Ford appeared to agree that border security was an issue, saying that guns and drugs were flowing into Canada from the United States.

“We need to give the resources to (the Canada Border Services Agency), which are fine people, and I know, talking to other premiers last night, that we will do everything we can as provincial governments and territorial governments to secure our borders,” Ford said, according to the Toronto Star.

Ford is a member of the center-right Progressive Conservative Party, and had previously praised Donald Trump. In 2018, he endorsed Trump’s presidency, and said he had “unwavering” support for the then-leader according to Toronto CityNews. Earlier this month, Ford congratulated Trump and even downplayed concerns that he would levy tariffs against Canadian goods, according to Global News.

“He tried that last time and that didn’t last too long — it lasted about four weeks,” Ford said.

Like Trump, Ford is a controversial figure. He’s been accused of hiring family friends as police commissioners and high-paid consultants. In 2018, Ford reverted Ontario’s sex ed curriculum to 1998 standards, removing material about sexual orientation and gender identity. He’s also been accused of racism.

Ford is the brother of the late Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who was the target of international disdain after a video of him smoking crack cocaine went viral.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

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