I was sitting in church thinking about my relationships and how my life is about to change. Soon I will be moving on in many areas of my life. I will be moving to New York, moving in with my partner, and graduating from college. I’ve been analyzing all the different relationships I have in my life. The healthy ones, and the unhealthy ones. Noticing how each and every one one of them is changing, whether for the better or not.
With a week before I move I feel a change and shift more now then ever. As my relationship with my partner grows stronger, my old friendships crumble, and my new friendships try to hang on.
It was a year ago that I came out to my mother and father. My friends at school knew before that. However, since my public coming out things have greatly changed. Maybe not in the way you might think. My mother has been amazingly supportive and I see her and my father trying daily. (I appreciate this more than they could ever know.) However, it is in small friendships I once had that change has truly happened. Most of my old friendships, mostly the ones at church, have fallen apart.
This past year has been incredibly tough. I’ve gotten harassed at school, been yelled at, called horrible names that I don’t even want to repeat. I’ve gotten a few death threats when what I’ve needed was a friend. So when it came to church and those friends and friendships started changing, I had to back away because, personally, I couldn’t deal with that form of rejection.
All rejection is hard. However, when going through a hard time it is worse to be alone. Yes, I have the love of my life and our future together, I have great parents who love me and care about me, I even have some great friends who I am sure I’ll keep in touch with, but when you walk into a place that preaches love and acceptance and you come face to face with rejection and quiet denial it becomes hard to have a desire to keep going to that place any longer.
It saddens me. In all reality it breaks my heart that people who I experienced life with, grew in our beliefs with, and brought the love of God to others with are so ready to turn their backs when they think something has changed.
I have a note for everyone. If someone comes out…they don’t change. They have always been this person. They always will be. Do not blame them and their courage to be true to who they are for your lack of understanding and your fear.
I encourage every individual who is struggling with their identity to accept themselves for who they are. That is the first step to happiness no matter who you are, what your background is, or whom you love.
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{ 4 comments }
Wow, Caleb – this is a perfect example of how Christians don't always follow the teachings of Christ — I hope you can find a welcoming congregation — I'm just so sorry that old friends haven't stepped up for you.
I know it's no consolation – but the movies make us think that childhood friendships endure while the reality is that many different things will cause them to fray. Whether it's level of education, marriage/life partnership, parenthood, or distance – these relationships take a back burner to new ones you and David will create going forward. In middle age (yes, that's where I am) I find myself seeking to reconnect with early friends and we often find that we have more in common than we thought. But it took decades of going our own ways to discover that.
If they're really your friends, they'll adjust. Meanwhile, you've found love and that's the best that can happen for any of us.
Congratulations on graduation!
Caleb, this is so poignant. I'm so sorry you went through all of that at school. People can be so cruel and it's remarkable how fear turns them into monsters. You should be very proud that you came through all of that with such a wise perspective. All my best wishes to you and David, as always. Happy Graduation! xoxo
Caleb. I am very proud of you. I also came out of the closet a year ago and am a christian too. I had some bad rejection from one friend at my church. The leadership at that church would not allow me to give my testimony of how I reconciled my faith with being gay. Before coming out of the closet, I had given my testimony of my faith several times at my church and other churches as well. As soon as the church leadership knew I wanted to give my testimony as a newly out christian man I was stopped. Needless to say I have moved on to two awesome gay affirming churches and now am dating a wonderful gay man for the first time. I hope the best for you, it has been one of the best decisions I have made.
Californa guy.
Thank you all for your kind words and support.
@Jane, I don't mean any disrespect for anyones point of view, and who am I to tell you, anyone, what to think or believe. David has been my strength and I appreciate it more than he will ever know.
Thank you.
@ Lauren, Thank you. I am on the better side of this and I have learned a lot.
@Evan, Congratulations on coming out and being honest with yourself and those around you no matter what they will think. I'm sorry you are going through that as well. Congratulations on finding your guy.
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